Abby and Bert

Two elderly people discuss eating dog food to make ends meet.


Abby: Oh for Christ’s sake!
Bert: What do you mean? I did it didn’t I?
Abby: No you did not do it.
Bert: I ate it! I got it down.
Abby: I said you couldn’t keep it down and you didn’t. You threw up all over my shoes.
Bert: Well, I’m sorry about that. But anyway I did so keep it down for a minute.
Abby: Did not.
Bert: Did.
Abby: Did not. Look at this mess.
Bert: Well what did you expect? It was dog food for Christ sake.
Abby: So? It was chunky chicken stew- practically a gourmet meal.
Bert: Gourmet my ass. It’s dog food. It tasted like dog food.
Abby: How would you know? You didn’t keep it down long enough to taste it.
Bert: I tasted it all right. You should taste it.
Abby: Why should I? It was your idea.
Bert: Well somebody around here has to have an idea. We’re gonna starve otherwise.
Abby: Yeah, I know.
Bert: It was a good idea. Lots of people eat pet food. I read it somewhere.
Abby: Poor people eat pet food.
Bert: I’m telling you, really.
Abby: Really.
Bert: But not this kind.
Abby: You would think when it’s called gourmet chicken stew at least it would be decent.
Bert: Maybe it’s some other brand.
Abby: You think so? You want to try it to find out?
Bert: Just wait a minute and let’s think about this.
Abby: Yeah?
Bert: Yeah, maybe it’s cat food that poor people eat. Maybe tuna. You know, tuna fish. That would be pretty safe.
Abby: Do you think?
Bert: I don’t know, but jeez. Dog food sucks.
Abby: I believe you.
Bert: Really it does.
Abby: I believe you.
Bert: I know.
Abby: Maybe you’re right.
Bert: What am I right about?
Abby: About the tuna fish.
Bert: Oh.
Abby: Want to try some?
Bert: Hell.
Abby: How much money do we have?
Bert: Shit I hate this.
Abby: How much?
Bert: We have a couple of dollars. Some change.
Abby: That’s all we have?
Bert: It’s enough to buy some cat food.
Abby: I’d rather have a donut.
Bert: I know. But a donut has no protein. We need some protein. Make it a few more days until the check comes.
Abby: A few more days.
Bert: Protein.
Abby: I’m hungry, Bert.
Bert: I know, honey.
Abby: Protein?
Bert: Protein.